Monthly Archive for May, 2007

Big Brother 8: Chanelle’s Posh Space

Big Brother 8: Chanelle’s Posh Space

Chanelle “I would like to be famous and rich – or a speech therapist in Spain” Hayes, the Big Brother housemate that wants to be Posh Spice has a MySpace page. Looking at the page reveals that she really does have a rather unhealthy obsession with Posh Spice. In fact, judging by her MySpace profile, she could probably qualify as Stalker Spice.

Heroes
Victoria Beckham!!!!! When she’s your hero, you don’t need any others!

Who I’d like to meet:
Gotta be Victoria Beckham again, she’s so nice and we could make great best mates! hehe….. also id like to meet somebody who can change the date on digital cameras!! im stuck in 2005 for crying out loud lol!!

In other news, Lesley Brain has reinvented the phrase, “Let’s have a cup of tea and a sit down” with the slightly more dainty: “Keep calm. Keep calm and have a strawberry.” Jolly good!

And whilst we’re on the subject of young Lesley Brain, did the Big Brother production team really promise her the single bed in the corner or is she just being sneaky?

Wait there’s more, according to Charley Uchea, Lesley Brain wee-ed whilst standing in the shower! So she may not be as gentile as she appears.

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Big Brother 8: My Ten Big Brother 8 Rules

  1. I will not let Big Brother drive me mad this year.
  2. I will remain sane, reasonable and above all happy.
  3. I will not pledge allegiance to one housemate and fly into a deep umbrage with everyone who disagrees with me.
  4. I will not check the live feeds continually.
  5. I will not get frothy-mouthed with rage about ‘unfair editing’ and start shouting about it in pubs.
  6. I will not harp on and on and on about the sociopolitical ramifications of the show.
  7. I will not sit up until 4am in the morning watching grainy footage of folk scratching their bits and drinking lemon cordial.
  8. I will not begin a one man war with endemol or channel 4 and start coming across like a mental.
  9. I will not put the housemates eviction numbers on speed dial.
  10. I will NOT BE that obsessed this year. IT’S ONLY A GAMESHOW.

Disclaimer – I reserve the right to change any of these rules at any time, particularly on Nomination Day

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Big Brother 8: Eight million tune in

More than 8 million people watched the live launch of Big Brother 8 last night on Channel 4.

6.2 million people caught the start of the programme, but the figure rose to over 8 million towards the end as Nicky and Carole entered the house.

Channel 4 Commissioning Editor for Big Brother and Head of E4, Angela Jain said, “This heralds a fantastic start to Big Brother. We remain as committed as ever to making this year’s series the most entertaining yet.”

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Little Monkey

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You know, everyone should have a monkey. Just, you know, to learn from. They’re like people only without all the bad, nasty bits. They don’t drink, they don’t start wars, they can’t drive cars. We can all learn something from monkeys, but we shouldn’t fling our poop like they do.

Big Brother 8: The housemates

Sam and Amanda

Twins? Twins! Bubbly annoying girl twins that have voices that shriek. “Everyone is talking dictionary language…” They look like those horrific twins from Pat Sharp’s Fun House. These twins are destined for Nuts magazine. Nipple to nipple. It’s going to be horrible. Straight into the bath they go… screaming and giggling… they remind me of two puppies being electrocuted. Everyone universally loathes them! Brilliant!

Lesley

A retired head-hunter. Apparently she’s ‘eccentric’. She’s posh. Lesley totters down the stair to be greeted by two shrieking morons brandishing lollipops. “Helloooo,” they squealed. “We’re twins!”  “Noooo,” replied a clearly speechless Lesley. “It’s uncanny.”

Charlie

A lapdancer. She doesn’t work… hangs around with slebs. She will definitely say “Go girl…” and things like that. She’s said ‘hot’ loads. She thinks she’s sassy… she ain’t. BOO HER BOO HER BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HER! Much booing for Charlie.

Tracey

Who’s this? A hippie who likes to ‘buzz like fuck’. What does this mean? A cleaner. Androgynous type. Tracey is a blokes name as well as a girls… and looking at the face… I can’t tell… Oh! Hang on! There are titties. Definitely titties. Keeps saying ‘proper ‘aving it’ and possibly goes to Glasto every year and annoys even hardened festival goers. Okay. A strange girl who is either channelling Bez (even though he’s not dead) or is like a lady Pete only with more swearing. Says her ideal housemate would be Barry Scott (from the Cillit Bang adverts). Bang and the dirt is gone! Mixed with a posh headhunter woman who is mates with Charles and Camilla. Two nightmarish twins and a girl who dates footballers. This is going to be horrendous. It’s all smiles now… but the knives are already being drawn.

Chanelle

A blonde girl from Yorkshire who loves Victoria Beckham. She wants to be either rich and famous… Or a speech therapist in Spain! She talks far too much. She is the new Kate Lawler. Start booing Britain. Boo for all you’re worth. Then Boo some more. If she pouts anymore her lips may fall off and start a TV career on their own.

Are they having any men this year?

Shabnam

She reckons she’s wacky. That means she’s got a million hang-ups but covers it with lurid clothes and keeeerrrraaaazy eye shadow. She thinks that we’re buying this ‘I love myself’ stuff… we all know she hates herself. Her screaming of “COME ON!” on the way in only shows that she’s amazingly depressed… she’s actually asking the crowd… one by one… to cheer her. Crikey.

Emily

A posh girl. She has informed me that there is a new style of music called ‘indie’ and she fancies heroin pus bag Pete Doherty. The Daily Mail will love her after she states her loathing for stupid people. She has teeth worth £4000 and her arse will earn her at least half that when she’s in The Sun in a month or two’s time.

Where are all the blokes?

Laura

A welsh nanny. She looks a bit like the singer from The Gossip and I can’t tell a word she is saying. She hates cigarettes. Really hates them. She doesn’t really drink… so let’s hope someone gets her hammered and she makes a massive fool out of herself. The public seem to like her though. Not much booing going on here… even though she likes to sweep up leaves at the local graveyard… for free. She wants to be an embalmer, no really!

Nicky

Looks a bit like someone from Liberty X. Or is it Big Brovaz (or however the piss you spell it). She likes to ‘party hard’ and is as awkward as a horse on a see-saw. She doesn’t like men because they make her “sick”. The sour faced glum bucket ends her VT with “Do I look miserable?”. She was adopted from Mother Teresa’s orphanage. I don’t know what relevance that has but I thought you’d like to know all the same. She doesn’t like bullshit… but would gladly ‘shag’ Callum Best.

Carole

Hello! Carole, a gobby nightmare who wants us all to ‘drop beats not bombs’, looks a bit like the witch from Simon and the Witch. Stick it in a search engine if you’re unsure. She’s going to ‘shake it something rotten’ and she’s “the fucking argument”. She’s an older lady and very left wing. I’ve got a feeling she’s a widow due to her overcompensating. She recently went to a gig dressed as a mobile phone. Anyone? HELP! Oh! Carole, by the way, is an unemployed sexual health worker. I’m not quite sure how she managed that. How can you be an “unemployed” sexual health worker? Has sex gone out of fashion in east London? That Aids thing? All over now, is it? What a storm in a tea cup that was, eh?

Carole and Laura seem to be loved by the crowd… presumably because they’re not moronic things in thongs. With them being slightly portly, the nation seem to give them a bit more credit… which isn’t such a bad thing I suppose.

Well, they’re all locked in now… and the door will open up again on Friday when Big Brother chuck one bloke in. I’m drunk. Frightened. Apprehensive and certain that this loathsome bunch will be taking over my life for the foreseeable future. Ladies and gentlemen, Big Brother has arrived…

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Big toes and small boobs

Useless blog trivia, since I started this blog, this and this have been the most looked at pages!!! Weirdos.

Big Brother 8: More like Big Sister!

It may be the eighth series of Big Brother but when the show launches tonight viewers may be greeted with a new vision – a house full of women contestants.

According to today’s tabloids, the Channel 4 reality show will be female-only until Friday – when one man will be introduced into the house.

The initial single-sex environment is expected to surprise the contestants and cause friction, especially as the women are thought to have very different backgrounds. One is a former lap dancer while another is a member of the Women’s Institute, it has been reported.

Rumours abound that the first man to enter the house will be Oldham Athletic footballer Chris Hall.

Producers no doubt hope that introducing one handsome sportsmen into a household of 12 women will cause fireworks.

More men are expected to join the the Big Brother house as the season continues.

In promoting the series, Channel 4 has promised the show will be full of surprises, with a new-look house and different twists and turns.

The house design is certainly surprising. It features an appliance-less kitchen, bright red and blue beds and a fridge located in the garden.

The presenting team has also changed. While Davina McCall remains the show’s primary host, and Dermot O’Leary continues as frontman of Big Brother’s Little Brother, Russell Brand is gone from Big Brother’s Big Mouth. His position on the spin-off show will be filled by a raft of guest hosts, beginning with Radio One DJ Chris Moyles. Former Celebrity Big Brother 4 housemate George Galloway MP will also host a Big Mouth show, as will Popworld’s Alexa Chung.

The cost of voting has also changed. Channel 4 announced yesterday that is had halved the cost of sending an eviction text. Texts will now cost 25p compared to the 50p charged for voting during the last series.

Channel 4 will no doubt be pleased to have attention focused on the new Big Brother series after last week’s criticism over its handling of the Celebrity Big Brother racism row.

Last Thursday, Ofcom ruled Channel 4 was guilty of “serious editorial misjudgement” for showing Bollywood actress Shilpa Shetty being picked on by housemates Jade Goody, Jo O’Meara and Danielle Lloyd.

The media watchdog ordered Channel 4 to make a series of on-air apologies during the new Big Brother series.

Ofcom received more than 45,000 complaints after Channel 4 broadcast incidents showing Goody referring to Shetty as “Shilpa Poppadom”, Lloyd saying that Shetty should “f*** off home” and an argument over Shetty cooking a chicken, which ended with Lloyd and O’Meara making derogatory comments about Indian eating habits.

Channel 4 has since publicly accepted Ofcom’s ruling. Chief Executive, Andy Duncan, said: “We accept Ofcom’s judgement that on the occasions in question we did not ensure that Big Brother intervened with the necessary promptness or strength. We would like to say sorry once again for the offence caused to viewers as a result

Tonight’s Big Brother launch show is expected to be a ratings-winner after the last season’s opening night drew more than 8 million viewers.

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Poles attack Tinky Winky

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Having only just recovered from being slandered by Jerry Falwell, Tinky Winky now has to deal with this:

A senior Polish official has ordered psychologists to investigate whether the popular BBC TV show Teletubbies promotes a homosexual lifestyle.

The spokesperson for children’s rights in Poland, Ewa Sowinska, singled out Tinky Winky, the purple character with a triangular aerial on his head.

“I noticed he was carrying a woman’s handbag,” she told a magazine. “At first, I didn’t realise he was a boy.”

…Ms Sowinska wants the psychologists to make a recommendation about whether the children’s show should be broadcast on public television.

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We are all going to hell

Ninety-five per cent of Britons are heading for hell, according to the principal of Wycliffe Hall, Oxford, who has been under fire from some staff for taking one of the leading Anglican theological training colleges in a conservative direction.

Richard Turnbull, appointed two years ago, made the claim in a speech to the annual conference of Reform, a conservative evangelical pressure group within the Church of England. If he truly believes it, the figure would encompass at least all non-evangelical Christians, including many members of the Church of England, and those of all other religions and none

A recording of the speech, made in October last year and seen by the Guardian, was posted last night on the Thinking Anglicans liberal website.In it, Dr Turnbull also warns against the danger of liberalism in the church, talks of “the strategic nature” of evangelical control of training colleges and calls on conservatives to syphon off 10% of their financial contributions to the Church of England to help pay the costs of like-minded colleges. The message excludes even evangelicals who are regarded as more liberal in their beliefs.

Dr Turnbull told them: “We are committed to bringing the gospel message of Jesus Christ to those who don’t know [him] and in this land that’s 95% of the people: 95% of people facing hell unless the message of the gospel is brought to them.”

Traditionally Wycliffe, a permanent private hall of Oxford University founded in 1877, has trained evangelical Anglicans for the clergy, but its reputation has been as an open evangelical college, welcoming would-be ordinands from a wide range of theological and liturgical beliefs.

Critics within the college have accused the principal of taking it in a much more restrictive and exclusionary direction. At least a third of the academic staff have resigned and its best-known member, the Thought for the Day contributor Elaine Storkey, has been threatened with disciplinary action, allegedly for raising concerns at an internal staff meeting.

In his speech, the principal criticised the Church of England for “restrictive trade practices” in limiting funding for its students and added: “I view [my] post as strategic because it would allow influence to be brought to bear upon generations of the ministry…capture the theological colleges and you have captured the influence that is brought to bear.”

He warns that unless like-minded parishes fund colleges such as his own, they face closure within 10 years. At the same conference in Derbyshire, Reform members agreed to remain within the Church of England for the time being but to set up an advisory panel to support conservative clergy and encourage ordinands of their viewpoint. They were told by one senior member, the Rev David Holloway, vicar of Jesmond, that the church was a dysfunctional body with incompetent leadership.

In an article to be published in tomorrow’s Church of England Newspaper – a more broadly-based evangelical publication – Dr Turnbull’s message appears rather more tolerant. He writes: “For me and for Wycliffe, inclusive means exactly that, rather than the exclusion of particular views. So issues which divide … have to be debated in the open, albeit with care and sensitivity …”

Dr Turnbull was not available for comment last night.

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Alexis Morrell Carrington Colby Dexter Rowan

Yesterday was the 74th birthday of Joan Collins who played the unforgettable Alexis Carrington (or Alexis Morrell Carrington Colby Dexter Rowan to be precise) in Dynasty and that clearly must be celebrated.

In fact, I think the day should be marked as a National Holiday.

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