Twins? Twins! Bubbly annoying girl twins that have voices that shriek. “Everyone is talking dictionary language…” They look like those horrific twins from Pat Sharp’s Fun House. These twins are destined for Nuts magazine. Nipple to nipple. It’s going to be horrible. Straight into the bath they go… screaming and giggling… they remind me of two puppies being electrocuted. Everyone universally loathes them! Brilliant!
Lesley
A retired head-hunter. Apparently she’s ‘eccentric’. She’s posh. Lesley totters down the stair to be greeted by two shrieking morons brandishing lollipops. “Helloooo,” they squealed. “We’re twins!” “Noooo,” replied a clearly speechless Lesley. “It’s uncanny.”
Charlie
A lapdancer. She doesn’t work… hangs around with slebs. She will definitely say “Go girl…” and things like that. She’s said ‘hot’ loads. She thinks she’s sassy… she ain’t. BOO HER BOO HER BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HER! Much booing for Charlie.
Tracey
Who’s this? A hippie who likes to ‘buzz like fuck’. What does this mean? A cleaner. Androgynous type. Tracey is a blokes name as well as a girls… and looking at the face… I can’t tell… Oh! Hang on! There are titties. Definitely titties. Keeps saying ‘proper ‘aving it’ and possibly goes to Glasto every year and annoys even hardened festival goers. Okay. A strange girl who is either channelling Bez (even though he’s not dead) or is like a lady Pete only with more swearing. Says her ideal housemate would be Barry Scott (from the Cillit Bang adverts). Bang and the dirt is gone! Mixed with a posh headhunter woman who is mates with Charles and Camilla. Two nightmarish twins and a girl who dates footballers. This is going to be horrendous. It’s all smiles now… but the knives are already being drawn.
Chanelle
A blonde girl from Yorkshire who loves Victoria Beckham. She wants to be either rich and famous… Or a speech therapist in Spain! She talks far too much. She is the new Kate Lawler. Start booing Britain. Boo for all you’re worth. Then Boo some more. If she pouts anymore her lips may fall off and start a TV career on their own.
Are they having any men this year?
Shabnam
She reckons she’s wacky. That means she’s got a million hang-ups but covers it with lurid clothes and keeeerrrraaaazy eye shadow. She thinks that we’re buying this ‘I love myself’ stuff… we all know she hates herself. Her screaming of “COME ON!” on the way in only shows that she’s amazingly depressed… she’s actually asking the crowd… one by one… to cheer her. Crikey.
Emily
A posh girl. She has informed me that there is a new style of music called ‘indie’ and she fancies heroin pus bag Pete Doherty. The Daily Mail will love her after she states her loathing for stupid people. She has teeth worth £4000 and her arse will earn her at least half that when she’s in The Sun in a month or two’s time.
Where are all the blokes?
Laura
A welsh nanny. She looks a bit like the singer from The Gossip and I can’t tell a word she is saying. She hates cigarettes. Really hates them. She doesn’t really drink… so let’s hope someone gets her hammered and she makes a massive fool out of herself. The public seem to like her though. Not much booing going on here… even though she likes to sweep up leaves at the local graveyard… for free. She wants to be an embalmer, no really!
Nicky
Looks a bit like someone from Liberty X. Or is it Big Brovaz (or however the piss you spell it). She likes to ‘party hard’ and is as awkward as a horse on a see-saw. She doesn’t like men because they make her “sick”. The sour faced glum bucket ends her VT with “Do I look miserable?”. She was adopted from Mother Teresa’s orphanage. I don’t know what relevance that has but I thought you’d like to know all the same. She doesn’t like bullshit… but would gladly ‘shag’ Callum Best.
Carole
Hello! Carole, a gobby nightmare who wants us all to ‘drop beats not bombs’, looks a bit like the witch from Simon and the Witch. Stick it in a search engine if you’re unsure. She’s going to ‘shake it something rotten’ and she’s “the fucking argument”. She’s an older lady and very left wing. I’ve got a feeling she’s a widow due to her overcompensating. She recently went to a gig dressed as a mobile phone. Anyone? HELP! Oh! Carole, by the way, is an unemployed sexual health worker. I’m not quite sure how she managed that. How can you be an “unemployed” sexual health worker? Has sex gone out of fashion in east London? That Aids thing? All over now, is it? What a storm in a tea cup that was, eh?
Carole and Laura seem to be loved by the crowd… presumably because they’re not moronic things in thongs. With them being slightly portly, the nation seem to give them a bit more credit… which isn’t such a bad thing I suppose.
Well, they’re all locked in now… and the door will open up again on Friday when Big Brother chuck one bloke in. I’m drunk. Frightened. Apprehensive and certain that this loathsome bunch will be taking over my life for the foreseeable future. Ladies and gentlemen, Big Brother has arrived…
Saw them go in. Wanted to cry. Normally I hav one person I want to win and every year it’s been a bloke. Whatever the nightmare they throw to the lions on Friday it has to be better than the current ones.
Please let him be pretty.
They don’t usually evict anyone on the first Friday!
I meant the big cats inside the house!
The twins make me want to throw things at my telly. Heavy things which could do some damage.
Nice to see Carole had a shave between her VT and her entrance.
Almost felt sorry for Lesley but then remembered it is her own fucking fault for applying in the first place. Anyone who describes themselves as ‘eccentric’ usually aren’t.
Feel sorry for any bloke thrown in with that lot.
The twins are EVIL!
Wasn’t Richard Branson meant to be going in?