Volte-face (Big Brother, days 69-71) by Grace Dent
I hate to dismay any loyal readers, but I fear my heart has softened towards the twinnies. I know. I can’t believe it either. I was just sitting here in my dalmatian-fur frock coat, tucking into breakfast (roast swan and foie gras baguette, as usual) and I saw the twins on live feed and my spiky old anvil expression melted and I thought, “Awwww, how are they so nice?!”
Because the twins are nice, aren’t they? Close your ears to the screaming and all that gubbins about living in a pink world, that’s not the important thing here. The twins simply don’t appear to have an ounce of malice in their bodies.
They don’t have a snide word to say about anyone. They’re a friend to all. And that’s usually the sort of froth that gets spouted by vicars at funerals and it’s never true. If anyone stood up and said that at mine, they’d get heckled. But I’ve waited 72 days for Sam and Amanda to get down to Ziggy, Carole and Liam’s level of underhand sneakiness. Nothing.
The twins even stayed friends with Charley. They tried to comfort Charley when her mania spilled to the point of no return. Are they perchance channelling the spirit of Saint Jude – patron saint of lost causes? Are they on some sort of emotion-blocking SSRI drug that smooths over the jagged corners of life’s woes? Are they replicants? Or does that level of fluffy well-meaningness really occur naturally? I don’t know.
Brian and Amanda have had a bit of a snog this week. It’s quite touching as it’s been on the cards forever. The pair communicate in burbles and giggles and “shutttttttaps” and “noooooyoushattapdonut!” and burps followed by “exsqueeezme” and lots more giggles. It feels like the beginning of something quite real. Saying that, anything seems real compared to Chanelle and Ziggy, or worse still, Liam and Amy.
Amy is still warbling on about being “unsure where she stands” with Liam. I’ll give her a hint. Amy, say Liam is standing in the Big Brother garden, ideally where he’d like you to be standing is back at your own house in Lincolnshire with no access to his mobile phone number. I’m sure the pair will end up snogging again soon, but I’d say his first decision was his final one.
“Why does everyone dislike me?” sighed Amy last night. “Erm, is it because you walk about in a jumper that looks like you caught the hem on a door handle last Tuesday and it’s unravelled as far as your nipples?!” I shouted, to no avail.
Anyway, Brian and Amanda. Brian’s more into the fling than Amanda but Amanda is too lovely to say. Plus, Amanda won’t want her twin to feel alienated as she’s too lovely to do that. I’m sure they’ll go on a date together after the house. Especially as Gerry has offered to take them on a riveting day of mooseumanart in London.
I wonder what Gerry is like to visit an art gallery with? I wonder if he’s ever been ejected from the Turbine Hall at the Tate Modern for bickering with the curators about how HE thinks the art should be installed. Deary me, Gerry can’t half witter on once he gets going.
If I was ever feeling really bored in the Big Brother house one Thursday, I’d simply shout, “Ere, Gerry, those Elgin Marbles things wot us Brits own? What’satallaboutthen?” Then I’d simply lie back and shut my eyes and soon it would be Monday.
Gerry knows every one of the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World. I think we were all impressed by that. Even Jonty was impressed, but then the jury is still out on whether Jonty is clever or not. It would be nice to think he was clever and at least had his brains to fall back on. If he’s simply that creepy looking and not clever at all, just dim and a bit obsessive about Doctor Who, then that’s awful. The sadomasochistic clubs he keeps boasting about don’t help.
Everyone has to live with a Jonty at some point. We’ve all done it. Usually when you get a room cheap out of Loot and think, “Oh, why is this so cheap?”. Then you realise you’re co-habiting with Monketytonkety and Jonty, who lies on the floor to fart and laughs until he soils himself over a vague pun on the words “magnate” and “magnet”. Even the twins have spotted that something is amiss. The twins don’t really like him. Imagine?
This week’s nominations have been wonderful as everyone knows who has nominated whom. So after 70 days of being told not to talk about nominations, they’re now talking about nothing else. Obviously this is hell for Ziggy, who is exhausted from pulling everyone to the side to um, er, yeah, I need to talk, right, I’m not hugely proud of myself, right, but, y’know, yeah, um, right? Do you get what I’m saying, um right?
No, I don’t, Ziggy, cos you’ve never finished a sentence since last June and I gain more enlightenment as to how you feel from seeing the position of your hoodie’s hood. (Hood up: Ziggy sad/Hood down: Ziggy chilled.)
My entertaining-housemate-of-the-week award goes to Carole. Attila the Gran, stood in her kitchen with her pans and her spoons and her big hair, brimming with resentment. Carole made a lovely nut roast this week (an oxymoron if ever there was one) and no-one listened to her and the next thing she knew someone had put it inside the chicken thinking it was stuffing and it’s not like she was angry, right (retrieves mountain of tissue from jumper sleeve and voice crackles), she was just HURT and DISAPPOINTED.
I wish Big Brother had said: “Carole, Big Brother wonders if it’s occurred to you that the housemates shoved your lovely nut roast right up the chicken arse as they didn’t want to eat it?” Or “Big Brother wonders what is the worst thing that could happen if you let Kara-Louise cook, considering it’s one thing she’s very good at and it might make her feel a bit more involved and stop her crying?”
God, no wonder Greenham Common went on for so bloody long. I bet it had nothing to do with missiles. It was women like Carole, too stubborn to leave their Calor gas stove in case some other bearded women in sandals dared to prod the communal goulash. “Yes, I knew that!” Carole always shouts. “I knew that! I’ve always known that!”
So far, Carole is controlling the kitchen, the shopping list, the tobacco supplies and the house rota, and she even has a hand in the house relationship. And as far as I can see, she specifically did NOT give permission about Amanda and Brian’s “involvement”. No papers were formally signed off, her blessing was not awarded. It is against Carole’s will.
Be afraid, Brian. Be very afraid.
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