And then we’re given a tour of the new house: the usual combined lounge/kitchen/diner, an open plan bathroom and shower area with no privacy, an astroturfed garden with a swimming pool and a rather large ashtray sculpture (which is oddly enough the smokers’ corner), a luxurious bedroom (Davina says it’s very “WAG” and rolls around on the carpet) and… a jail and a padded cell. Ooooooh!
Following on from Evil BB and twisted BB, the theme for this year’s Big Brother is Zero Tolerance, apparently. If housemates break the rules, they’ll be put in the jail and if they continue, they could end up in solitary confinement in the padded cell. Let’s hope that the first one to throw a hissy fit and ask to leave is shown the door immediately.
And now the housemates! No limos this time, they’re arriving in vans.
First in are BB’s first ever couple, Shaun Astbury (42), the secret lovechild of Joey from Friends and Rocky from… er… Rocky, and Lisa Appleton (40). Shaun prefers to be called Mario Marconi but he’s never been to Italy. He sold his Rolex to pay for a boob job for Lisa! Bless! And his nickname for her is Red Rum because she has an arse like a horse apparently. She looks at bit Xena, warror princess.
Next up is Luke Marsden (20), Mark E Smith channelling the spirit of George Formby, a non-drinking, non-smoking politics student from Wigan.
And Stephanie McMichael (19) makes four. Stephanie gives herself ten out of ten for looks and intelligence and… modesty, probably. She’ll be popular.
They’re all called into the diary room and given a secret mission. Mario and Stephanie have to pretend to be a couple. If they fail, they’ll all be up for eviction. If they pass, everybody else will be.
More housemates.
Rachel Rice (24), a hyperactive trainee teacher who talks a lot. She’s an actress. Well, she’s been in twenty two commercials and also appeared in a film with Hugh Grant. She has two yorkshire terriers, nine geese, twenty chickens and two cats!
Dale Howard (21). “If there is any fanny in there I am going to nail it.” He wants the words “Cruel Bastard” on his gravestone. He rates himself ten out of ten for looks, funniness and ruthlessness but only four out of ten for honesty and generosity. His mother must be so proud.
Sylvia Barrie (21), a student originally from the war torn Sierre Leone. That experience might come in handy.
Dennis McHugh (23), a dance teacher. A camp, Scottish gay man. That must be a first for BB, surely.
Michael Hughes (33). He’s a radio producer, an occasional transvestite, a former resident of Denmark and has worked at a tampon factory in Portsmouth. He is also blind. BB seem to have taken advantage of this by giving him a poncho and combat trousers from wardrobe to wear.
Alexandra De-Gale (23), an accounts execs. She had a kid when she was sixteen and a BMW by time she reached 21. Judging by her VT, She’s an intelligent Charley Uchea. The crowd give her the worst reception but I think she could be fun.
Rex Newmark (24). Rex is a chef and has a millionaire gay dad.
Mohamed Mohamed (23). “Everywhere I went civil war broke out.” A toy demonstrator born in Somalia. Nice Afro!
Rebecca Shiner (21). Vicky Pollard sponsored by Primark.
Darnell Swallow (26). “I hate being the only white guy at the family reunion.” An albino black man who was born in Ipswich and raised in US but deported back here. The housemates have difficulty with his name.
“I’m Darnell”
“Daniel?”
“Darnell”
“Darniel?”
“Darnell”
“Donald?”
“Darnell”
“Danny?”
“Darnell”
Jennifer Clark (22). Cheryl Cole-alike. She’s an anti-abortion anti-immigration vegetarian mother and model who is scared of tomato soup. She once watched a documentary in which a calf was murdered just because it just wouldn’t make a good burger, apparently. Mmmmh, I wonder what happens to calves that are fortunate enough to make good burgers?
And last but definately not least.
Kathreya Kasisopa (30). “I am not a prostitute!” A five foot Thai massage therapist wearing a bright pink boob tube and spring loaded gold platform shoes. Likes cookies, a lot! Appears to be channelling Nancy Lam
Right, that your lot. 1 house, 16 housemates, 93 days!
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